chasing happiness

I started this blog as a health blog in memory of my best friend Jessi a few months ago. Jessi was my best friend that I waited to emerge all my life, and the two years I knew her, though short, I felt like we had been friends our whole lives. She was the one and only person I could relate to 100%. I knew she would always understand and help me through difficult times. It has been seven months to the night now. Seven months since I lost my best friend, confidant, and sister in Christ. I miss her every single day, and it still feels as fresh as the night she passed. I have been lying to myself thinking that things have been better. But the truth is, I am very lost.

So many things are changing in my life and I am left more and more befuddled. Questioning more and more who I am and where my life is heading. I am chasing happiness. Chasing in all different directions–backtracking, tracing steps, making new trails of my own… yet still nothing.

A health blog. A health blogger hoping to attract the nutrition and fitness crowd as the word “health” so surface-skimmingly appears to many, including myself. I mean, Jessi was majoring in Health and Exercise Sciences and I so desperately aspire to be a nutritionist, but there is a third part to the “health” equation that is the true vitality and spirit of the word—health of the mind.

I workout 5-7 days out of the week, I eat mainly whole foods and follow a pescatarian, dairy-free diet, but I am not healthy. My mind runs 24/7, ebbing and flowing in every which way. Struggling to stay afloat in engineering classes, keeping in touch with family, trying to keep a relationship strong, budgeting money, managing my grief, etc. All of these things I try to keep running, yet I neglect myself. I lie to myself thinking that all of this will puzzle together and work out in the end, and I am sure somehow it will, but not if the person that is suppose to keep all of these things steady and upright shatters to the ground. Every balancing act requires a stable base, a good foundation. My foundation has been shaken and beat down, sunken into the ground. I have realized this. Do not be alarmed though, I think the real alarming part should have been the fact that I was trying so desperately to fool myself.

Now I ask myself, “Have I really been chasing happiness?” Is happiness even something you chase? Or is it like my good man Thoreau states that

happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder

What if instead of pursuing an overall euphoric state and life of happiness, I take life day by day to enjoy the precious little moments. Those moments that can disappear all too quickly. Those moments may be small, but just as happy—and the little things in life add up. Enjoying the quiet in the morning before anyone is awake with me, seeing the way others smile as they take in their little moments, spending time with people who really care about me, feeling every hug and meeting every gaze with clear eyes, and taking time to focus on things important to me—like health, and not what the rest of the world says are important things.

Unfortunately, I do not have any answers to these things. Life in my perspective is one big experiment. Like in school when you first learn about scientific research and discovery. You research, you design, you take in every observation and piece of data, you hypothesize, you make summaries and conclusions, and in the end, you take your findings to your teacher and ask, “is this the right answer?” The shock and frustration when you learn “there is no right answer. The conclusion is based on your own experiment and data.” I have a feeling this is the Teacher’s way in life too. Every person is conducting his or her own experiment. There are no right answers, just conclusions we all draw at the end just based upon experiences.

So, now, this experiment of mine continues. This journey of mine still continues. Every day a new feeling, a new goal, a new perspective… my journey to health and all that entails—the diet, the exercise, and most importantly, the mind. I wish I could say I had an experimental design or plan of action for this one, but my mind is something I am still trying to map my way around. Trying to figure out how to have a healthy mind. I guess when I am feeling lost like this, and Jessi is no longer physically present, and family is afar, and relationships are not going in the right direction, I find comfort in blogging—in writing. Because maybe there is a chance that someone like Jessi understands me too, and I can inspire them to pursue health as well. This is an outlet for me, and one of the few I find solace in—and this, I am thankful for.